A Week's Worth of Conclusions

SATURDAY


Today, I drove my own car all the way to Pretoria and back. Yeah, what now, bitches?

Conclusion: FUCK THE PO-LICE!

SUNDAY


(At the risk of sounding like the biggest lesbian) "It's a beautiful day for golf at Zwartkop" is my home golf club's slogan, and true to form, it was a wonderful, sunny day. My dad, my brother and I teed off at 11:34am and what followed were five hours of complete pleasure and enjoyment. Let me tell you, golf and I, we have this love-hate relationship. Sometimes, it's a real pain in the ass, sometimes I hate it with a burning passion that festers stronger with every missed putt and every faded drive. But then, sometimes, it can be a real doll. On those perfect days, where the fairways are crisp and the green's are perfectly paced, and my chips land where I actually want them to, and my drives pierce the middle of the fairway to the sound of the resonating silence that comes from hitting "the sweet spot", and when the tricky putts aren't evil enough to stop the ball from reaching its destination, not much can compare.

Conclusion: Golf is a bitchy little whore with good intentions but a severe attitude problem. Like Lindsay Lohan.

MONDAY


Today, everyone went to Ada's house for a little get-together. There was a moment around 1 o'clock in the afternoon when it looked like I wasn't going, but my reliable friends (Ada, Bu, and Tash) came and picked me up from my house in Ada's adorable Milkshake (because her car brings all the boys to the yard). We went back to Ada's house and gradually, one by one, nearly all of the Bad Bitches began to drop by. We ordered pizza, ate macaroons (courtesy of young Joshua, who you will definitely hear more about), and wallowed in merriment (can one do that? Can one actually wallow in merriment? Well, one can now!) Today was the day that I discovered that I should never be given the task of setting up the hub. I just can't deal with that kind of pressure and responsibility.

Conclusion: An afternoon spent with the Bad Bitches in an afternoon well spent.


TUESDAY


Today, I slept over at Sam's house. I watched X-Men: First Class for the first time, marking my first ever X-Men experience, and by George, it was fantastic! I may or may not be obsessively in love with both Professor X and Magneto, and I may or may not have been highly unamused with Mystique's low self-esteem antics. In my opinion, Beast definitely got screwed over when the X-Men were created. I mean, he literally (I mean, not literally. Obviously figuratively but you know what I mean) got kicked in the balls by Marvel Comics. They were like, "Shit, man. We need an animal. I know, let's give this nerd kid lizard feet while every other mutant gets cool powers like the ability to read minds or manipulate metal, and as if that isn't bad enough, we'll completely fuck up his life by turning him into a giant blue teddy bear."

And then we watched the Princess and the Frog, and gosh darn it, did that make me happy. That's classic Disney, right there.

Conclusion: Who needs school when the most important lessons in life can be taught to us by animated movies directed at children aged 3-12? Also, could Michael Fassbender and/or James McAvoy please have my children?


WEDNESDAY


Nothing exciting happened today.

TH-

JUST KIDDING!

SAMANTHA PASSED HER DRIVER'S TEST! We drove into the testing station at 6:35am, and left at 9:15am. She drove in there - just another reckless and dangerous learner driver, and drove out - just another reckless and dangerous driver with a license. And guess what? We didn't even have to pay that R1800 bribe that we were offered by a dodgy looking gentleman in a two-tone car. We then drove all the way to Hartebeespoort Dam and back, just for the hell of it. We took Simma (Sam's little sister) to the park to play, and despite the fact that she entered that playground with a perfectly smooth forehead and left it with a bump the size of my fist, Sam and I would make wonderful au pairs, if I do say so myself.


Andandand! Lauren arrived in Johannesburg! She's my friend who lives in Port Elizabeth, which is, like, 273845972345km away, give or take a mile.

Today was also the day that Justin Bieber tweeted that South Africa is on the list of countries that have been included in his Believe Tour. I will comment on this at a later stage.

Conclusion: Just because Samantha has been recognised as a safe and competent driver by the relevant authorities, doesn't necessarily mean that she won't drift off of the road from time to time.


THURSDAY


Today, I bought these:

I know, right? I plan on wearing my lovely new Sexy With Attitude treasures from YDE tomorrow night, as it's Claudia's 18th birthday. You know what that means. Ladies, I hope you're wearing protection (?), because we're about to fuck shit up! Tune in next time to find out if we survived.

Conclusion: For the most part, Sandton City is a bottomless chasm of suck when you have ridiculous standards and no money. Also, never give up. It takes dedication, hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, but eventually, you will find that jacket and those shoes.